Shades of a Virgin Wife (1)

[It’soyha’s Memoir…]
Date: 6th December, 2015
Location: My Penthouse Loft, Asaba
Time: 3:22pm
Mood: Not-my-usual-self

Some crazy stuff happened today and I’m already having a double mind about this holiday crap. Dayo, Habeeb and a couple of my cousins have been a pain in the ass and I can’t even shove them away. They are all over my penthouse with some funny model looking skinny girls gaming, drinking, sexting and laughing like warthogs; I mean they are literally crazy right?

So well, yesterday was lit and I had a swell birthday celebration [Stifles a chuckle]. I like have the best mum in the whole world and she put all I needed together for my birthday but these guys are yet to get it off their thick skull that my birthday was so yesterday. Its vacation period and I can’t entirely blame them for wanting to have too much fun; they have worked tirelessly all year round.

So you might be wondering why I’m all over my journal and not having a blast with my friends, I’m seated here wondering the same too but go figure…it’s been like five six days and no call from “the Ass lady”! Oh yeah…you darn right, have been counting and I can’t seem to stop. That ass is just driving me nut-crazy!!!

You tell me, I’ve had like nine girls since that day but that ass…Dayum! To tell you how crazy it is, I even drove all the way to Free Town thinking maybe I’d see her walking the streets or something like that, but I was wrong. My friends keep telling me I saw a Mami-Water but I can tell that ass is no Mami-water no shit, it’s a real ass and I’m going to find me that ass.

I’m a practical mess right now but just one shot of that ass and I’ll be good. I had thought that all I needed was a Styrofoam ass looking lady with the right curves and all and I’d be good, so I had my cousins take me to the strip bar at Nnabuenyi Liquor depot, Abagana, a day before my birthday but it didn’t work the magic. I wasted good money for that service. Habeeb assured me that my birthday bash would turn the tables but what bladdadash, it didn’t even turn half the table. So I’m certainly convinced that I need to find me that girl.

Thing is, I really can’t tell exactly how she looks. Although, I can place her face but I’m not sure I can fully describe her except the “ass” of course. I looked at it the entire evening, I forgot I also needed her face. I’m just unbelievable, aren’t I? Even if I were to find her, just how would I go about it? I’m I supposed to go to the station and file a missing report for an “ass” or what, because that’s all I can describe to the Police? Oh well…I know that would be plain dumb!

Just about now, I need something to take my mind far off that ass but I can’t seem to find any reasonable thing to do apart from joining Habeeb and the guys and I certainly don’t want to do that just yet. I’ve had me enough to last for the year.

As I sigh and look around, I see Habeeb running towards me…
“Guy, what’s the matter?” I quizzed
“Omomoh is convulsing right now and I swear we don’t know what to do” Habeeb looked like he was going to die.

I rushed over to the spot where Omomoh shakily lay, quickly grabbed an iron spoon like I had seen my father did back in the days to my brother and forcefully placed it between his teeth, after the other guys had struggled to hold him in place. I placed a call to my mum who asked me to take him to the hospital since I didn’t have a first aid box in my Penthouse Loft [I made a mental note to get me one up here].

I was so scared but I needed to act like a real man in front of the other guys, so I offered to drive the car to the hospital. Everybody began to blame one another about allowing Omomoh to have had more blunt and drugs than he could manage and how they were to lie at the hospital if the question ever popped up about why he suddenly started convulsing.

Truth is, neither of us knew what prompted the action or what triggered him to convulse, we just wanted to be in a safe corner but that didn’t mean I wanted to lose my 21 year old cousin. By the time we got to the hospital, Omomoh was as stiff as an ice block, we were all scared. I’d never seen Dayo petrified like I did today, I practically had to calm him down. Omomoh was like his pet and everyone could understand why he was so alarmed.

So we all waited down the hall at St. Luke’s Hospital praying hard, that nothing bad had happened to my little cousin who had come around to celebrate my birthday. My mum, my aunt and my uncle were all here. I felt responsible for all that went down at the penthouse. I don’t know if been more careful would have helped out but my guts keep telling me that the coke they were taking triggered this event. I prayed the doctors won’t even start looking to find a trace; I know I don’t do coke but I got friends I’d like to keep safe.

My head keeps spinning. We haven’t heard from the doctors yet, everyone is pacing. Habeeb and my other two cousins have gone home to clean up; Dayo is nowhere in sight, my aunt has been crying since she got here, my uncle is just seated close to me and my mum keeps pressing her phone doing what I don’t know. Some hours later, the doctor calls in my uncle and mum to his office…I wonder what she’s saying to them. Some few minutes later, they both come out of the office…
“Mum, what did she say?” I asked enthusiastically
“Nothing to worry yourself about boy…Let’s all go home.”
“What of Omomoh, is he alright now?” Dayo quizzed
“He’ll be fine Dayo…” my mum replied “Let’s just go home now, shall we? His mum will stay a bit longer, doctor says he has a high fever.”
“Oh…” Dayo exclaimed “Can we at least see him before we leave?”
“No Dayo, not now. Maybe when we come in the evening.”
I looked at Dayo who was still looking so worried “Come on Dayo, you look like shit. Let’s go home and get some rest. We’ll come by later this evening.”

As we headed to where I parked the car, I realized I wasn’t with my phone. After ensuring that Dayo nor my mum was with my phone, I rushed back to the hospital waiting room to check where I sat. As I ran back to check for my phone, I couldn’t help but notice “the ass” that walked past. This has got to be the biggest joke of the century…

”Did I just see me that ass I had been pining for or was it just my wildest imagination playing me?”

I looked back to be sure that my brain wasn’t convulsing but “the ass” was nowhere in sight. “Oh not again! I didn’t just lose “the ass” again. Why do bad things happen to good people?” I sighed.

Unfortunately for me, when I got to where I had been sitting earlier, my phone wasn’t there. “Exactly what I didn’t need! Ass lady is going to call and my phone decides to get missing…wtf.”

I run to the reception to report my missing phone and just as the nurse was trying to explain what she’ll do if she finds the phone, Dayo taps me from behind and hands me my phone. I can’t possibly explain the excitement that reverberated through my veins, I was more than pleased.

We walked hurriedly to the car after Dayo told me, that a lady who had seen my phone drop while we were walking out of the hospital after I had consoled him, came to hand back my phone. I peered down at my precious phone, tapped the screen and saw two missed calls. “Hmmm…who was calling?” I thought as I drove home with Dayo.


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