Tag Archives: Love

Friday Nights; Sexcapades 4

Click here to read the second episode on sexcapades if you are just joining us…Friday Nights; Sexcapades 3

‘Sexcapades’ is the second part of Friday Nights and a continuation of the first part; Reckless Journey; so just in case you might be wondering where the extra characters are coming from, please start reading from…Friday Nights; A Reckless Journey 1

Enjoy!

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MIMI

The more you run from temptation, the closer it seems!

When my phone rang waking me up at 8.30am the following morning, I was delighted to peer at the screen and see Dafe’s number. I smiled in my sleep.

“Hello,” I started huskily

“Hello sleepy head, wake up. Good morning.”

I groaned as I rolled over to lie on my back. “To what do I owe this early call?” I asked softly

“I don’t know what you are saying but you sound so sexy, I wish I was right beside you. My goodness! Have you ever heard yourself speak in the mornings?” He grinned

“I can hear myself speak right now.” I replied wondering.

“Not like that, I mean over the phone. You should try recording your voice in the mornings when you wake up, it is damn sexy I tell you. Too raunchy for me. Now I know exactly when to call you. I think I will record this conversation with you and play it every time.”

“You are just not serious.” I smiled as I closed my eyes wanting some more sleep.

“I thought you said you had appointments you just can’t cancel last night, why are you still on the bed?”

“Oh Dafe, I need sleep!” I cried, “allow me be please.”

“Wait, do you mean to tell me that sleep was the appointment you had?” He asked perturbed.

“Lol, well yes…sleeping till 11am is part of my today’s appointment and after that I get to do the real work of meeting with real clients. Now can you please excuse us, my bed and I have an urgent meeting that should not be disturbed. Thank you!”

He laughed and for a while, I thought he was mocking me. “Dafe, please just cut the call and go away.”

“I’m coming over to your house. Pack your things, you are sleeping in my house till 11am and then I’l drop you off at the meetings you have later.”

“Huh?” I said startled as I opened my eyes fully, “no you are not coming over to mine.”

“Get ready sexy…I just got in the car.”

I looked at my phone wondering if he was insane, “Hello Dafe, see ehn…my mummy…” the line suddenly went dead. “Hello.” I said jerking up from the bed.

Heyy God, what kind of wahala is this one this early morning? I asked no one in particular. My heart began to beat fast like a drum played at a market festival. I began to hope that he was just joking and wasn’t really not going to come to my house. Tired still, I lay back on the bed as I switched off my phone.

******

I woke up to hear my sibling calling out my name from the door, “what is it Uwa? You people should allow me sleep in peace please now.” I cried as I pushed my face underneath the pillows.

He walked towards the edge of my bed and continued, “someone is looking for you oo.”

Suddenly I realized what was wrong…heyy God, this man wants to embarrass me. I slowly turned to face my sibling hoping that he won’t see my heart jumping helter-skelter, “Me? By this time? Who is it?”

“I don’t know oo. I think he is your boyfriend or something.”

I looked at my sibling in dismay wondering whether everything was okay with him. “When did I tell you that I have a boyfriend?” I asked squeezing my lips.

“Well, God has brought him right under our noses. He said he was your boyfriend and asked me to wake you up.”

I put my hands across my face as I shook my head. What did I ever do to deserve this, Lord? Is there a sin I have committed that I did not seek penance for? What is the meaning of what Dafe was doing to me. My sibling looked at me again, “he said to tell you to hurry so you can have enough time for your meetings.”

“Is mummy still at home?”

“No, she went for morning mass. You are lucky. She would have already told your boyfriend all about your history and how you need to get married.” He laughed sitting down to look at me.

“Uwa, he is not my boyfriend. Please, stop saying that.” I tried to say looking at my brother calmly.

“Well, just hurry. I don’t think you have much time by the way he sounded. What do you need me to do for you?”

Just then, my other sibling came in “Mimi, are you not ready? Dafe is waiting oo.”

I looked at Nosa in dismay. What is the meaning of all these? Why was Dafe suddenly talking with my siblings as if I did not just meet him last week? I hissed as I stood up and headed to brush my teeth. Some minutes later, I was dressed in Jean denim shorts, a white shirt and a jean loafers. I slung my black leather school bag containing my iPad, power-bank and a notepad behind me as I exited my room and ran down the stairs.

I met him having a friendly discussion with Nosa while playing video games. I wondered how Nosa was able to bond with this man. My goodness, he looked handsome! I tried to hide my smile as he turned to look at me, “Hey you…it took you forever to come downstairs. Shall we?”

I sighed as I looked at my siblings who were grinning from ear to ear. I did not understand why they were amused. I nodded my head at him as he bade my siblings farewell. He spun me around and led me towards his car parked right outside my gate.

“You have a lovely home.” He started.

I did not understand how I felt but I was clearly upset and not the least bit amused. “Thank you.”

“You look really nice.” He said again as soon as we got into the car.

“Thank you.” I replied meekly trying not to blush or even smile

He looked at me as he started the ignition, “Are you okay?”

“No.” I replied without a thought.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Yes.” I answered looking at him squarely

“What did I do wrong sexy?” He paused on starting the car as he looked at me

“Just drive. My siblings are clearly going to be at the balcony looking at us till we move out of here.” I replied as I pouted my lips and adjusted the seat belt.

He paused, sighed and started the car as he drove out of my estate. I was already dozing off when Dafe tapped me, “we’re here sexy, wake up.”

“Oh!” I stretched lazily rubbing my palms over my eyes. That was fast, I thought, what if I had been driven all the way to Ogun state for one ritual. I looked around me from the inside of the car till Dafe came round and opened the car door for me looking puzzled, “don’t you want to come down?”

“Where are we?” I asked as I got down from the car not exactly sure where we were as the walls of the compound were enormously high you could barely see what was happening outside.

“We are at my home. Welcome to my humble abode.” He smiled as he took my small school bag from me and held my hands.

This is far from a humble abode, I thought to myself. The compound was massive and the building in it was spectacular. I wasn’t sure if we were still in Lekki or Ikoyi. I just had never seen a house this captivating except on pictures in Instagram and on TV.

“Where exactly is this place located? Are we in Lekki?” I probed.

He smiled, “No sexy, this is Ikoyi.”

Ah ha! I said to myself, big man children eating all our money. See house. I began to wonder if he lived in it alone or with the family. He must be living with his family, I thought. The house was too gigantic for him alone to occupy.

We walked into the house and were immediately greeted by a man neatly dressed. Dafe said some words to him still holding me and led me towards the stairs to a room. Words fail me. This was exactly the opposite of what my room looked like. This was magnificent and enthralling.  I was beyond dazed. I stood at the entrance for a while wondering if I needed to softly crawl towards the bed or just fly straight to the bed. The plush rug looked too soft and white to be stepped upon. I thought the room was really one of the most beautiful things I had seen. He looked at me confused, “don’t you want to go in? It is 9.52am already…you should continue your sleep before 11am.”

I looked at him in dismay, which kind of sleep. The sleep that already disappeared from my eyes the moment I heard he arrived my house or what?

I softly walked towards the bed and sat on it. My goodness…it was soft! Too soft! Very soft! I sighed in pleasure. Then I heard him say from the door after he dropped my school bag by the couch close to the bed, “I’ll let you be and then when you finally wake up, you will tell me exactly what I did wrong this morning.” He closed the door softly behind him and walked away leaving me alone in the room. I sat on the bed for a while enjoying the view, pulled off my loafers and sunk into the bed for another round of sleep.

 

**********

ZIZI

Saturday mornings are really the best. I stretched like a cat on the bed and rolled over looking at my phone. 8.50am. I think I will sleep for another 10 minutes, I snuggled under the sheets.

Suddenly my phone rang. Ohh! I cried, who has decided to disturb my sleep this morning? I roll to the other side of the bed ignoring the call as it rang again. Shit! I muttered as I reached for my phone by the drawer.

“Hello” I mutter angrily not wanting to open my eyes.

“Hello Zizi” I hear the familiar voice of my cockroach friend Lola, I hiss as I open my eyes

“Ehn, what is it Lola? Don’t you know people are still sleeping? Or is it not Saturday at your place?”

She smiled and continued, “Come on, will you wake up? I don’t know when you started being lazy. Mimi has infected you with her bad habits.”

“Abeg oo, allow me to sleep because that is the only way I can drown my work sorrows before Monday. Just let me please.”

“Better wake up, I’m coming to your house. I have gist for you!”

“Eh, gist? Tell me now, why do you have to torture me by keeping me waiting?”

“As you say you want more time to sleep. I’m giving you more time.”

“Ah, no oo, I am awake now.” I replied enthusiastically sitting up.

“Lol, Zizi just use the strength to prepare breakfast for both of us. I am going to leave my house now.”

“Please don’t bother coming.” I hiss, “I’m going back to sleep.”

“Na you sabi, I already dressed up. By the way, you called me last night…I missed your call.”

And then I remembered the very embarrassing episode of yesterday and I sighed. “Something that I wanted to tell you yesterday. You already missed out. Ask Mimi to tell you since you are too big to pick calls from me.”

“Ahn ahn now, I didn’t hear my phone ring until I got home and check my phone, by then it was too late.”

“See biko, leave me alone. That gist has long gone, if you want to hear it, ask Mimi.”

“Just prepare yourself. I am coming to your house. You will tell me whether it was Mimi that called me last night or you.” She ended the call.

I looked at my phone as I placed it back on the drawer. Lola is just a mad human being. I am not going to recount the sordid tales of yesterday night to her, let her ask Mimi.

*****

Men are like wildfires, very hard to predict.

*knock-knock* Oh, I muttered in my sleep. What is the meaning of all these? What does anybody want from me at this time of the morning? I will do my chores when I wake up proper…I turn to face the wall as I continued my sleep.

*Knock-knock* I hear again someone at my door. I hiss angrily. “I am coming.” I say as I make to stand up hoping that Lola had not come too soon.

*Knock-Knock* I hear again.

“Be patient now!” I hiss as I wear a top “I said I’m coming.” I open the door to see my mummy looking at me with a bunch of beautiful flowers held up towards my face.

“Mummy, what is all these one now? What is it?”

“My dear, these just came for you and some other things on the dining table.”

“Oh wow!” I managed to say as I walk back into my room to grab my glasses with my mummy walking in right behind me, smelling and smiling at the flowers.

“They are so beautiful!” She exclaimed.

“Mummy just drop the flowers and go. Abi you said they were delivered to me?”

“My baby, I just want to admire them. It is really thoughtful of whoever bought you these.”

“Thank you mum. Please can you go now?”

She looked at me smiling, “I hope you will appreciate them? They are really nice.”

“Don’t worry mum, if I don’t want them, I know where your room is. I will come to drop them there since I know how much you love flowers. Bye mum.”

“Oh there are some other things by the dining. Let me get them for you.” I watched her hurry out as I wonder what time Deji had to buy me flowers from last night to this morning. He was really thoughtful and I didn’t need a soothsayer to tell me it was Deji that sent the items. I looked through the flowers for any card or paper attached to it, there was none. Disappointed, I put my nose into the bunch to smell them. They smelled really nice. I smiled. Just then, my mum walked into the room with three fancy paper bags. Wow, I thought, this guy never ceased to amaze me. My mum stood sheepishly looking at me until I kindly asked her to let me be alone. As soon as she left, I closed the door behind her and started admiring the items. On the biggest paper bag, I saw a purple note hanging just by the side. I lifted it up to see the contents;

Ziola,

My sincere apologies for last night; I know I will not be able to compensate you for all the embarrassment caused you last night and I sure know that nothing can be enough to say exactly how sorry I am but please take these items as a token of my apology for what happened. I should have been more careful with you and I promise if you give me another chance, this would NEVER repeat itself!

Can you please be my date tonight? I’ll pick you up by 6.30pm, I promise we won’t run late and I will bring you home safely.

Deji”

I smiled as I read the note over and over again. This was incredibly thoughtful of him and I didn’t want to say no to offer. All my body screamed ‘YES!’ I looked through the contents of each bag just as I heard Lola’s voice by my door.

I stood up to open the door letting her in, as I ignored her presence and continued to admire my new prized items. Deji had gotten me two lovely office dresses and a burgundy over-shoulder jumpsuit; a 360 ’18’ inches Argentine laced wig; a very sexy Fendi Handbag with a silver plated logo engraved inside the bag and a very lovely pair of Miu Miu shoes. I was speechless. Lola kept looking through the dresses and asking me why he had bought me all the items. I decided to call him to say thank you to him and also accept his offer. I thought better about it and sent a text instead. I didn’t want to seem too excited about it. So I texted;

“Hi Deji,

I have just received your gift items to me. Thank you very much. I thought that was really thoughtful of you but really, you didn’t have to. I will go out with you tonight but only on the promise that I will get home before 8.45pm and you will tell me all about Omotayo – no games!”

I looked at Lola as she told me all the episode of her last night outing and how she met Daisy. I thought Daisy was weird. Just then, my phone beeped. It was a message from Deji.

“Great. Please can you wear the jumpsuit tonight? I’d love to see how it looks on you and yes, I promise to tell you all about Omotayo if that will make you say yes to me. I can’t wait for 6.30pm.”

Suddenly, I began to smile at Lola like a child. She could clearly tell what was wrong with me as she began to tell me what to say and what to do after I reluctantly told her my last night episodes with Omotayo. Two things ran in my head as I listened to her:

Do I say yes to Deji after tonight and be his girl?

Why did I suddenly develop feelings for him even when I know I am clearly not ready to settle?

__________________________________________

Watch this space for more Episodes of Friday Nights.

Till I come your way again next time, this is ShiozeThinksOut.

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

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Love & Heartbreak Series: No 2

Dear Lover,

You know
How high and fortified the walls were
How beaten and shredded and broken my heart was
How strong the resolve- not to fall victim to love’s vain promises- was
How intensely I fanned the fear of vulnerability.

You came
Wielding Cupid’s famed arrow, pointed and precise
Neglecting how the signs screamed red
You shot directly at my core
Permeating my pneuma with the ingenuity of your love,
Like the Trojan horse, sans the deceit

Your deep throated laughter,
Whilst your head is thrown backwards,
With your eyes glistering with tears,
Has become my favourite sound

And you know what my favourite sight has become?
Watching your face light up,
With the blush cutting through your dark skin,
When I call you mine

You, my hot glass of dark chocolate,
Topped with honey and hazelnut
Our destinies have become so intertwined,
Like Siamese twins defying all neurologic procedures

And just a stare in your eyes,
Gives me a wholesome glimpse of our forever
Filled with laughter and friendship
And surfing on sandy beaches

And even as I write this,
I long for you with all my being
Your warm, alluring lips,
As they press against and interlock mine
Your soft, sweaty palms, as they enclose mine

And as they rummage through my frame,
Sending sparks of pleasure throughout my body
And the way my body helplessly submits,
And my defences collapse like a pack of cards,
whenever we are together

And in our most intimate moments,
When you look into my eyes…
And hold my gaze…
With your warm breath falling on my skin…
And say you love me,
Saheed,
I am so convinced it’s not a bromide.

 

SAHEED TO CHIAMAKA

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Dear Paramour,

Indeed I felt the jab of Cupid’s arrows.
I laugh, and my face lights up.

The flames of destiny passed a warm loving heat for me.
My heart is stirred by a meeting of the lips.

Those intimate moments are the highlights of my day.
The gaze into the eyes of my true love,
The whisper of my genuine affections,
The sweetness of embrace.

But. Alas, you were right.
It’s not you, it’s me,
You were right and I was wrong.
Mere cliches and platitudes,
Unfortunately, these are not

You were right to have fanned
The flames of fear and fortifications.
You were right about the Trojan horse.
All of this, I did to get your sweet sister.

You were just a means to an end…
Every passion I feel,
I feel not for you
My affections are really for your sister.

 

Kindly remember to drop your comments below. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love & Heartbreak Series: No. 1

This series is a compilation of beautifully crafted writings by members of the Literary Cafe (TLC) Plus as part of their daily tasks. So the first series is from Debbie; the lover & Daniel; the heart-breaker. I hope you enjoy reading it.

PS. This is a work of fiction. However, the characters are real.

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————-

FROM DEBBIE 

Letter 1

Daniel Darling,

If I were to tell you how much I loved you,
Then the waters of the ocean would dry up
The lands would be empty of sand
And I would still not be able to quantify
My love for you.

If I were to add you and me
I would subtract our clothes
And maybe let you divide my thighs
So we can multiply the times you make heavy
My love for you.

If I were to whisper in your ears
The strong passionate love you make me feel
Every time our breath shares a common space
It would be that my tongue has lost its mind
And I am prepared to explode in satisfaction
Of my love for you.

If I were to take the shape of your hands
I will gladly roam your body at every bath
At every scratch of your itchy face,
I’ll caress your cheeks and let you bite
The fingers that is me when you feel nervous
Because of my love for you.

Oh Dan, the night is getting cold without you by my side
But then I remember I met you yesterday
And that you left your warm hugs with me
So I run to grab the shirt I wore to the event
And lay it beside me…it smells of you
It smells so good my heart burst with excitement.

Oh Dan, let me paint your body with my love
Let me drink of the alcoholic goodness served by your lips
Oh please wrap me in the spell of your warm embrace and cuddles
For even though nothing lasts forever
My memory can last forever in your embrace
Just hold me tight, please.

SHE  STILL GOES ON:

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Images culled from Google.
Letter 2

Daniel Sugarplum,

I have never felt this way before
For someone I really truly adore
No matter what I get from you
My passion won’t vanish anymore
For I am wildly in love with you Dan.

Your abs and beards are just a masterpiece
For which I will give my life and more
Your smile just shines up my day
When nothing goes the right way.

All I need right now Dan
is just to embrace you with the pretty face
Just a sip of your almost pink lips
While my arms wait around your hips
Oh how madly in love with you am I Dan

I want to feel your body shiver
Your heart jumping off your chest
I want to smell your gorgeous scent
Kiss you in each and every inch
I want to feel you rise below
Only at my presence & every touch

Oh! Dan, I love the way you hold your lower lip
Between the jaws while you think
I miss the act I repeat to tease you
Your words echoing all the time
Still, I die to hear those words from you

Oh! My love where are you? Where are you?
Come Daniel let’s consummate this love already!

 

DANIEL REPLIES DEBBIE:

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Dear Debbie,

Is it you?
Is it me?
As far as my uncertainty goes,
one thing is sure,

I do not love you
Never have, never will
I read your letters,
The words made my eyes roll more times
than a pair of casino dice on a Friday night

Could I love you?
I can’t do the impossible
I was like you once,
Young, foolish and in love

I loved a woman
a woman who said she loved me,
She left me in a pool of tears,
and with a black hole where my heart used to be

I know you will say you love me enough for both of us,
Your love, surplus as it is, means nothing to me
When you say you love me and all my flaws
I laugh,
Life is not a romance novel or an Ed Sheeran song

Some things cannot be fixed
I am not a pet project or a sick puppy
I am a Yoruba demon,
a thing to be exorcised not cuddled

Sister Deborah,
this is not me breaking your heart
this is me setting the records straight,
you fell in love with a wrecking ball
now your heart is just like mine,
in pieces.

——–

Please don’t forget to leave your comments below, the writers are happy to know what you think.

Thank you.

 

Flirty: Will You Shoot Your Shot?

Hey guys, will you shoot your shot even when the odds are really against you?

Yeah you read that right and I agree that this is now a budding sector this year…the act of shooting your shot whether career wise, in creating a fantasy relationship or even pitching forward a somewhat crazy idea.

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If you don’t still have an idea of what shooting your shot is, it typically means taking the bold initiative to getting what you want no matter the circumstance or the possible outcome. For instance, when a basketballer dunks the ball, he is not entirely sure whether or not the ball will succesfully dive into the net, right? But he takes a shot anyways and hope the outcome is a great dunk-goal. So also it is in life, you do not just sit, wait and see what happens – you take your shot at the possible opportunity.

shoot career

Now like I stated above, you can shoot your shot in different levels. The game you choose to play on, is entirely up to you. So for career development or growth, I will totally shoot my shot with all bravity. If the opportunity available is something I see as great, I wouldn’t even think twice. If I am rejected, I will try and try again till I am successful. I will use a different approach if I don’t get it the first time and I will totally go for it!

However, when it comes to relationships, I doubt I will ever shoot my shot. I know that rejection doesn’t mean I’m not a great person but I will rather the guy shoot his shot at me. Yeah, I agree…I am definitely old school, sorry to burst your bubbles. I mean, if I ever have a crush on a guy, I will definitely kill that feeling especially when I know that the guy has someone else or that the feeling will never go any head way. Thankfully, I am able to kill a crush feeling on the onset without losing my mind.

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Hey but if you think you can take a go at it, why not? Don’t be afraid to shoot your shot – you never know if the guy/girl is the shy type that cannot come forward or has not really noticed your existence because somehow, well they just aren’t that observant. [Well, that will be odd.]

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So here are a few tips to take a possible shoot at your potential shot – who may eventually be a spouse…

  1. You could send an SMS or a DM to that crush via IG, Twitter, Snapchat, Whatsapp etc. Follow them on social media, stalk them if can – I know people that do this tbh. Sometimes the first shot doesn’t go rfight but don’t take this personally – Thomas Edison didn’t succeed on his first try.

Shoot1

2. Do a little research about that crush so you can get aware of what you are getting into. Is the person a person you can interface with properly on social media or just personally? If yes, choose the suitable option.

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3. Shoot your shot with a purpose and not basically for the fun of it. Think about what you want from it and go on from there.

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4. When shooting, choose the right greeting. Don’t start with a basic ‘Hi’ or ‘hey You’ because there are chances that you will receive a ‘Hi’ back…so how do you continue from there? The easiest way to do this is usually to continue from a recent conversation or responding to a particular post made by the person – the shot becomes easier from there, especially when you key into what they were trying to say.

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5. Keep your shot more on the person’s personality rather than on the physical. Research shows that when you compliment someone on their choice on something, it sticks deeper rather than a regular ‘oh, I love your smile’ or ‘oh, your butt is amazing’.

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So there guys, 5 tips on how you can shoot your shot. YOLO right? So here are my questions to you…

  • Would you shoot your shoot?
  • If yes, have you ever tried to do that? Did it create something good? Was it worth it?
  • If no, why not?

Oh and  for the relationship aspect, there is a new game called ‘Shootyourshot’ to test how smooth your game is at http://www.shootyourshotgame.com.

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I will love to read your comments on the box below. What are your thoughts? Yes, Rofiah did a post on this here and Temitoria here as well. You guys should totally check it out.

Thanks for stopping by.

 

 

 

 

I Fell in Love…

So Banky W and Adesua got engaged sometime in February, announced it on Instagram by wednesday, May 3rd 2017 and the internet has been shaking since then. They literally took over the Nigerian internet space, they broke the internet.

However, this post is not about the two love birds [even though I still find it hard to believe], this post is rather inspired by Banky W’s comment to his ‘susu’ [I first heard this word in uni where a friend of mine calls another friend of mine his susu’m].

The comment is “I fell in love with an actress, now my life is a movie” and when I visited twitter, I saw a thread of I fell in love with’s. Later again this afternoon, I visited Instagram and the same thread was everywhere. So I thought, why not collate this and make a poem? I do not know who to actually give credit to but I give it to all who made a comment here and there on this topic and the initial commentator “Banky W”. Thank You. So here goes…

*******

“I fell in love with a Banker, and now my life is a worthy investment! I thank God I did not fall in love with the wrong Banker, my life would have lost interest!

I wonder what it would have been if I fell in love with a manager, my life would have been a’LOAN.

I fell in love with an Accountant/Auditor, and now my life is well balanced!

If I had fallen in love with an Economist, my life would have been a monopoly or even on high-demand.”

 

“I fell in love with an Engineer, and now my life is well-drilled, perfectly constructed!

If I had fallen in love with an Architect, my life would have been a design.

I fell in love with a Programmer, and now my life is in Codes!

If I had fallen in love with a Scientist, hmmm, my life would have just been a research.”

 

“I fell in love with a Medical Doctor, and now my life has been healed!

If I had fallen in love with a Pharmacist, my life would have been on drugs and if I had fallen in love with a Nurse, my life would have been full of procedures, given shots, in fact been on constant shifts.

I fell in love with a Surgeon, and now my life is in Surgery!

If I had fallen in love with a Soldier/Militant, my life would have been a war [I wonder which is better off].”

 

 

“I fell in love with a SAN, and now my life is silky and smooth!

I ponder on what my life would have been if I fell in love with a Lawyer, my life would have been a mouthful of lies or maybe a case…bad or good, I am not sure.

I fell in love with a Judge, and now my life is in order!

If I had fallen in love with a Cleaner, maybe my life would not have been a mess in the first place.”

 

“I fell in love with a Pilot, and now my life is flying amazingly high!

If I had fallen in love with a Model, my life would have been in series of poses.

I fell in love with a Sailor, and now my life is sailing smooth!

If I had fallen in love with an Entrepreneur, my life would have been a Business Plan.”

 

 

“I fell in love with a designer, and now my life is in perfect shape!

If I had opted to fall in love with a BET Naija player or a Hunter, my life would have been a game.”

 

 

“I fell in love with an Actress, and now my life is a movie!

I fell in love with a Photographer, and now my life is a perfect picture!

I can’t even display the entire album for fear that my good life will be stolen.

If I had fallen in love with a Liar, my life’s entire existence would have been a lie.

I fell in love with an Actor/Producer, and now my life is a movie, full of drama!

If I had fallen in love with a Comedian, my life would have been a joke.”

 

“I fell in love with a blogger/Journalist/Writer, and now my life is a beautiful story!

If I had fallen in love with a Teacher, my life would have been an assignment, a lesson, more of a learning experience.

I fell in love with a Traveler, and now my life is an Adventure!

If I had fallen in love with a Lagos bus Driver, my life would have been stuck in traffic [mmph].”

 

“I fell in love with an Archaeologist, and now my life is history, a  fact!

If I had fallen in love with a Politician, my life would have been a lie.

I fell in love with a Fire-fighter, and now my life is a Spark!

If I had fallen in love with a Mathematician, my life interest wouldn’t work out.”

 

“I fell in love with a Make-up Artist, and now my life is on fleek yo!

If I had fallen in love with a Tailor, my life would have been a material or a pack of thread.”

 

 

“I fell in love with a Ghost, and now my life is Haunted!

If I had fallen in love with a Ghanaian, maybe my life would have been in darkness.”

 

“I fell in love with a Dancer, and now my life is a ballroom, full of grace!

If I had fallen in love with a Musician, my life would have been a beautiful song or a Rapper, then my life would have been a hit.

I fell in love with an Artist, and now my life is an Artwork!

If I had fallen in love with a Painter, my life would have been colorful too.

I fell in love with an Opera singer/a Stage play Artist, and now my life is a Theatre!

If I had fallen in love with a Dreamer, my life would have been asleep.”

 

“I fell in love with a Chef, and now my life is Tasty, spicy, all forms of delicious!

If I had fallen in love with a Nutritionist, my life would have been a diet.”

 

“I fell in love with a Prostitute/Stripper, and now my life is Wayward!

If I had fallen in love with a Terrorist, my life would have still been a terror or would my life have been the bomb?”

 

 

“I fell in love with a Footballer, and now my life is well-dribbled, in fact my life is balling!

If I had fallen in love with a Basket-baller, my life would have been a dunk.

 

I fell in love with myself [lol], and now my life is a Selfie!

If I had fallen in love with my Fantasies, my life would have just been a dream.”

 

“I fell in love with a Pastor, and now my life is a Miracle!

If I had fallen in love with a Yahoo-boy, my life would have been a Scam.

I fell in love with Jesus Christ, and now my life is a Testimony!

If I had fallen in love with the Devil, my life would have been hell.”

PS: Do you have any other to add? I know I left out some professions, I just couldn’t get the right pun for them. Do you have any pun words for an Estate Manager? A Professor? A Disc Jockey [DJ], a Bartender? They both create mixes, yes?

If you can help out, do drop a comment or two.

Thank you!

ABROAD HUSBAND…

 

tamunopreye_565271.jpeg

It is almost that time of the year again when all our brothers return home from “the abroad”. Soon, they will come from all parts of the world- America, Europe, The Philippines, Malaysia, South Africa and even Sudan- to celebrate Christmas.

It doesn’t matter where they come from, they will come with a black American accent. Even the ones that came from Sudan will come with pounds and dollars. Because the default currency for “the abroad” people is dollars. Abroad person that is spraying Cedis, is that one abroad person?

They will come to the village, and they will be at every ceremony spraying dollars and pounds. They will wear their starched laces and their original gold chains. I don’t care the authentic quality of the chain, but as long as it is from ‘the abroad’, it is original. They will bag chieftancy titles that ends with “Ego“.

They are the real MVPs. The Mr Steal-your-chic-and-convert-them-to-wife. They are always single looking for a wife at home. Yes, they are not bastards, they come back home to marry.

You have a boyfriend who is just a civil servant. Fresh young man who is just starting life. You think you love him until your mother tells you about Emeka, the “abroad guy” that just landed in town. She reminds you about how you both used to be really close friends before he left to ‘the abroad’ when you were just 3 months old. Mama tells you he wants to marry you. You take a look at Emeka and you see the glory of the Lord shining around him. You admire his British-American accent and his fresh money. You think about your boyfriend- mtchew, who “young man with Dreams” epp? You suddenly start hearing the voice of the Lord telling you that Emeka the abroad guy is the right one for you. You suddenly realize that at 23 you are no longer getting any younger and you can’t wait for a graduate who is just starting life.

Emeka spoils you while he is in the village. You both keep in touch as he leaves for “the abroad“. You don’t see him again but you still talk on phone. You are now both engaged and you are happy, you are dating a guy in Indonesia with an American accent.

Two years pass, you’ve seen Emeka only once. Because body no be wood, you have a side boo in your town who lubricates the engine when the oga is not around. But you are still engaged. You are getting impatient. You were 23 two years ago but now you are 35, or you feel 35. You nag, whine, write three different please-hide-my-Identity messages to “Dear Amanda”. Sacrifice 2 goats as burnt offering to the Fadalurd above. After some months, your prayer is answered. He fixes a wedding date but cannot attend the wedding because of work. So you just do the wedding with his enlarged picture anyway. That picture he was wearing a suit, that one. That’s the one you kiss when it’s time to “kiss the bride”.

After three months, no Emeka. You realize you are now a western union wife. Another series of Dear Amanda messages, burnt offerings and pastor visits, God finally touches Emeka’s heart to come home. He comes home for a few months to get you pregnant and go back. When he goes back, the real Lord – not my “Fadalurd” – decides to remember you this time and release you from your misery. You somehow realize that Emeka has two beautiful children with his abroad wife of 10 years now. Your eyes will now clear.

You finally wake up, after 300 posts cursing Emeka and other men specifically, you decide to join the Association of Online Feminists of Nigeria. Dear sister, Kolewerk. You are not a feminist, you are just an aggrieved mega idiot who hates men, and that is not feminism. Receive sense in Jesus name!

Christmas is coming, if you like, follow abroad husband and go.

Shades of a Virgin Wife (Final)

***
[Efua Utibe’s mind…]
Location: Somewhere in Fugar
Date: 25th of January, 2019
Time: 09:17am

I packed my bags not sure where next I was heading but convinced none the less, that I had to leave this town of mine. I had spent one good month wallowing in self-pity, it was high time I did something meaningful with my life. I dropped my bags in the boot of the car and headed back inside to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. I looked at the picture of my parents on the wall again, how pictures tell a lie…they looked so happy.

Sighing, I went to my room to relieve myself when I caught a glimpse of the picture frame sitting proudly on the head-board frame of my bed. I moved closer just to take one more peek at it. He looked so handsome, I couldn’t stop blushing. I swiped my palms across his lips and leaned closer to kiss him. Gritting my teeth, I stepped back not wanting to live in that fantasy anymore. I placed the frame flat on its face so that I wouldn’t have to keep looking at my past, pulled off my wedding ring after admiring it a while and placed it beside the frame. I headed to the restroom, relieved myself and left the room.

I headed straight out to the car after locking up the house and drove off. Time was of the essence and spending any more unlucky moment in that house may cost me a lot. I looked at my diary planner and checked my-to-do lists. I looked at my account statement on my phone, I still had a lot of cash [Oh, don’t ask me how I still have an account. Smart people know they have to open a fake account with a fake name if they had planned to kill themselves and set up somebody else! *Eyes rolling*]

I was going to have to make another stop before I finally leave this city; I needed to, just to fulfill all righteousness.

***
Denise Anika
Location: Somewhere in Fugar
Date: 25th of January, 2019
Time: 09: 36am

As I stepped out of the car, I looked at the surroundings before me and a sudden feeling of guilt overwhelmed me. How long has it been since I came here? 9 years? 13 years maybe? I wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Is this the place?” I heard It’soyha ask from behind

“I hope it is…” I replied enthusiastically. Will Efua really come here as I thought? She always loved this place as a kid until papa left and even till then, she thought he would return but he never did. Five years later when mama told her he had died, she got angry at everyone around her and cried a lot. Mama died two years later and Efua came to live with us. She always wanted to come back here but never had the courage to.

I moved stealthily behind It’soyha as we perused the house in search of Efua. I headed to her room and sat on her naked bed. It reminded me of the old days, the ones we spent together in this same room playing and laughing. I found myself caressing the bed trying to see if I could feel Efua again as I probed the room with my eyes.

I stood up as I noticed from the corner of my eye a strange piece of wood I had never seen before sleeping on the head-board frame of the bed. I wasn’t exactly sure if I had ever noticed anything there since the last 9 or 13 years I was in this house but curiosity got the better part of me. Flipping over the wooden frame, It’soyha’s face greeted me with a warm smile together with Efua’s wedding ring. What was his picture doing here on Efua’s bed and Efua’s ring too?

“It’soyha!!!” I screamed as I heard him running over

“What is it, Denise?”

“Here…” I said as I handed him the picture and the ring “Efua was here.”

“Do you have any idea if she might still come back?” he asked with all his eyes popped out

“No, I don’t think so It’soyha. She cleared her things.”

“But she left this…” he said stretching the picture before me

“It’s a clear sign that she intended to forget you It’soyha, she dropped the ring too. It seems Efua has moved on!”

“Do you have any idea where she might be? Please?”

“It’soyha, I’m not sure…” I replied as he broke down in silent sobs and hugged his picture too tightly. I felt extremely sorry for him

“I’m sorry Efua…I am” he whispered to himself.

“I think I might know where she went…” i said finally

“Oh yeah?” He sprang to his feet immediately “Let’s go please, we can’t afford to waste any more time.”

“I might…I’m not sure”

“Denise, why don’t we just go and have a look at this place, shall we? We might just be lucky” he seemed enthusiastic about the idea of finding her

“Okay.” I muttered.

***
Efua Utibe
Location: Cemetery ground, Iviukwe
Date: 25th of January, 2019.
Time: 11:48am

I stared at her grave for a while after dropping the flowers I got from the roadside horticulturist, feeling sorry that I hadn’t deemed it fit to come here ever since she died sixteen (16) years ago. I didn’t want to shed a tear, I had had enough of that already…I just wanted her to see me and be proud but I guess there was nothing to be proud of.

“I miss you mum. I wish you were alive here to see me again. It was always like you said; the world is a big bad place and nothing like what I used to imagine. I grew up to be a pretty fine lady just like you always said I would and I made straight A’s in school ma. Sorry I’m coming here to visit so late but you always said, better late than never ma. I studied law in the university; wanted to be an advocate for the defenseless women just like you. Oh and you know what mum, I’m a good lawyer but I haven’t been at work for the past six weeks now. Yeah I know right…so unprofessional! I’m just trying to find my fitting ever since I left It’soyha. Oh, right…I didn’t tell you ma…I met a boy and I fell in love. *Laughs* it was too good to be true ma, but I did fall in love and next thing I know, we got married. Oh, sorry I have no ring to show you ma, I took it home to show papa but he wasn’t there and I left it behind just like he left us behind. *Sobbing* I told myself countless times that I wasn’t going to make the mistake you made ma, that I wasn’t going to be with the wrong man, that I was going to wait for the perfect man to walk straight right at me ma but I was wrong. I fell in love with the wrong man or should I say there are no perfect men? He cheated on me ma, he wasn’t been fair at all…I should have known that they were all the same but I was blinded by love. Oh ma, he has made me do a terrible thing…I faked my own murder just to get back at him and now I don’t know where to go or what to do with myself anymore. I feel useless. Funny thing is ma, I don’t think he misses me…I think he’s glad that I am gone just like papa was glad to have left us.”

“I miss you Efua…every single day since you left…I missed you”

I looked behind me to be sure I wasn’t imagining things. “Wha-what are you doing here?” I asked trying to swipe off the tears from my cheeks

“I came to get you.”

“How did you find this place It’soyha?”

“Denise helped.”

I tried to find Denise around “Oh…she said something about going to talk to papa” It’soyha said

“That still doesn’t explain why you are here, It’soyha.”

“I know what you did Efua but I’m not here to blame or judge you. I…”

“Oh right…I see, you want to play Jesus, huh?”

“Efua, please just hear me out.”

“It’soyha, I have other things I’ll like to do and chatting with you at this moment is definitely not one of them. Can I please, speak to my mum in peace?”

“Efua, I’m sorry for cheating on you. I truly am…please forgive me?”

I shook my head as I turned my back against him. How can he just say it like it was a piece of cake? How can he ask me to forgive him for cheating just like that after he made me do crazy things? How can he just come here and think that he’ll make everything all go away by taking all the blame? How come he isn’t even angry at me for faking a murder? I felt his hands grab my shoulders

“Efua…I really want you back, in as much as I’m mad at you for what you did to me on my birthday, it still doesn’t change the fact that I love you.”

I began to walk away because I felt the word love was been underrated and I hated to hear someone tell me something they don’t mean.

“Hey…” I heard It’soyha say as he ran to catch up with me “Hey babe, please wait.” He ran forward and turned me around to face him “Can’t we work something out? You’re mad at me and I’m mad at you but we still love each other right? That’s got to count for something, yeah?” he said panting

He looked sexy and all I wanted to do at that moment was kiss him, but I didn’t want to lose focus here. I was mad at him and he looking all cute and sexy wasn’t going to change that fact! “It’soyha, I really don’t know anymore.”

“Come on babe, please…I’m sorry I cheated.”

I rolled my eyes at him not wanting to be swayed by his heart melting plea; this was exactly the same thing that happened when he proposed. “You even lied about her to me when I came by at your office. I don’t think you are sorry It’soyha, you just got caught!”

“Babe…”

“I’m not you babe…” I retorted angrily

“Okay, Efua. I couldn’t just tell you that straight to your face, that would be a total disrespect to your person and I never lied about her. She was a colleague at work, I just never added the part where I slept with her for fun.”

“Oh for God’s sake, It’soyha…just spare me the details and have some dignity too while you are at it.”

“You asked…”

“Don’t tell me anything” I said raising my hands in the air, “I don’t want to hear it!”

He rubbed his hands on his temple as he sighed out “Efua…please, I’m sorry. I just want you back. I miss you and your sweet smile…” he reached to touch my lips as I flinched “I love you Efua, I still do and it hurts.”

I swallowed my spit as I looked at him “Don’t do that It’soyha…don’t.”

“Do what?” he asked surprised

“All these gummy-cute-needy act…don’t. You love me and it hurts? Yeah right!”

“I’ve always had a hard time convincing you about how much I loved you. When will you learn to trust in my love for you Efua?”

“You cheated on me It’soyha!!! Trust is not an option here!” I said gritting my teeth

“You faked your own murder too Efua, neither is trust an option here too.”

“It’soyha, I know I have done things I’m not proud of a…”

“I know, so have I, Efua…” he blurted out “but we can give each other a chance to try again. Love is never perfect, it’s like a maze; you have to find the right road to make it through. There are always twigs and thorns on the way and the tunnel is always very dark but somewhere at the end of that tunnel Efua, there’s a light and after the light, there’s joy.”

“It’soyha…I can’t do this.” I started to walk away.

“Let’s give our love a second chance please? There’s nothing that is not worth trying again, people always fail.”

I shrugged my shoulders as I stopped walking, trying so hard not to look at him and hoping that the tears that threatened to fall off my face won’t fall. “I’m bad at this It’soyha. I don’t know how to love right and you don’t know me that well. I’m a demented piece of shit!”

“Don’t say that Efua, you are not demented.” He walked towards where I stood “We all have our past and I’m sorry that yours was crappy but I don’t mind. Just come back with me, tell me what I need to know about you and I’ll teach you how we can love right together.”

Just then, I heard Denise screaming my name as she ran over to where I stood beside It’soyha. “Oh Efua, I’ve missed you.” She hugged me too tightly I thought I was going to choke out “Why did you run away all by yourself loser?”

I smiled as I hugged her back “I love you too douche.”

She kissed my cheeks again as she looked on “Your journal is a hell of a story…you should write a novel!” she laughed

“I bet nobody would buy it when its’ done.” I giggled at her

“You bet.” She looked at It’soyha and then back at me “Oh Efua, don’t send him away. He’s a good man, trust me.”

I looked at It’soyha as I shrugged “I don’t have your ring anymore…I was too mad at you, I left it behind.”

He smiled as he pulled out the ring from his pocket “Here! Let me wear it for you.”

“Where did you find that? You people went to Fugar?” I asked bewildered

“I was desperate Efua…I needed to find you. Will you be my wife again?” he stretched forward the ring as I looked at him mute.

“Come on Efua” Denise beckoned “Say something…”

“I’m scared It’soyha. I don’t want to be jailed for murder. I may kill you if you cheat again and I don’t want to think about that.”

He laughed “I won’t cheat on you again Efua…I promise you this time.” He reached forward, grabbed my left hand and placed the ring on my finger as he placed a kiss on my mouth. It felt so warm and sweet. I missed him so much I gave in without fighting back and I let the tears fall freely. I don’t know how I could love a man this much and still wanted to put him behind bars. This feeling confused me. I pulled away.

“It’soyha…I’m sorry I faked my own murder. I was angry at you for cheating and I know I should have asked. Please, forgive me?” I grimaced

He tucked my hair behind my ear as he smiled “I didn’t hold any grudge against you Efua, I was just amazed that I didn’t know your capabilities. It’s okay.”

I looked at Denise who was grinning excitedly; whether from the fact that I had been found or from the fact that It’soyha and I were getting back together, I wasn’t sure.

“Can I call you babe now?” It’soyha asked

I chuckled “Yes you may, mister.”

“May we go back home now babe and maybe you could use some ass-spanking?” he asked excitedly

“Oh not just yet…I want to have a word with papa. I think I finally have the courage to talk to him today.” I left them standing while I walked over to my father’s grave and looked down at the writings on the sculptured wall surrounding where he was buried.

Sorry papa for all the blames I cast at you, I was angry and upset. I don’t know what transpired between you and mama and why you had to live us but that’s all in the past now and I forgive you pa. I hope you find peace where you are…I love you pa.”

I walked back to meet It’soyha and Denise where they had been standing as we walked towards the car. I let Denise take my car, while I rode in with It’soyha. I looked at him

“What are we to tell your mum honey?”

“Our secret stays between us babe. No mum, no interference. We’ll let her know you were kidnapped but then you escaped to Denise’s place. Denise called and I ran over to get you. Kapish!”

“Kapish mister!” I wriggled his nose as I chuckled “I love you It’soyha.”

“I love you more Efua, always and forever babe.” He reached for my hands and kissed deep “Always.”