Tag Archives: Relationship

Relationships: Best ways to respond to ‘I love you’

Most people find themselves in several kinds of relationships ranging from family, platonic friendships, romantic affairs to/or Godly/Christlike relationships and sometimes, there is that need to show and tell the next person that you care – whether you self started it or they did. Either ways, it will finally bee-hove on you to show back that you care just as much and so when those people you have a relationship with in your life say the words ‘I love you’, how best should you respond?

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There might be several approaches to this statement and quite also, various ways to respond depending – of course – on the relationship you have with that person. The scenarios might play differently but I have listed below several types of responses in several relationship types…read on.

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Please keep in mind that it took a lot for this person to tell you how they feel – especially if they ACTUALLY feel that way. If you are not ready to say “I love you” back to a person you are romantically involved with but you do care about them a lot; I recommend looking them in the eyes, smiling, and then making out with their face. A passionate kiss will feed their ego, while subtly letting them know that you’re not quite ready to say it back.

Or you could say:

  • “Hearing you say that makes me so happy.” OR
  • “It means so much that you’re opening up to me like this. Thank you.” OR
  • “I’m so happy you told me.”

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If you’re dating this person however and you have crossed the 3 months wait-line (which is most times, the probationary period in your head to see if ‘this‘ will last a while and not just a crush), the main thing to remember is that you want to appear HAPPY that they told you this. If you seem scared or upset, things are going to go downhill. So here are instances of the kind of response to give…

Person: I Love You.

You: ‘Sometimes I feel like my heart will burst with happiness when you say those three words!’

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Person: I love you.

You: ‘To the moon and back.’

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Person: I Love You.

You: ‘And I’m crazy about you!’

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Person: I Love You.

You: ‘If I could say how much I love you in mere words, I might be able to talk more.’

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Person: I Love You.

You: ‘Me too and I’m yours, forever.’

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Person: I Love You.

You: ‘I know, I love you too.’

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Person: I Love You.

You: ‘You’re the only sunshine of my life.’

_________

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However, if you’re not dating this person and don’t have romantic feelings towards them, tell them you love them too but as a friend. While it sucks to hear that, it’s a good way to let them down easy. So for instance;

Person: I love you

You: ‘Lol, thank you and I love myself.’

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Person: I love you.

You: ‘Awwn, now you are going to make me cry. I hear that a lot!’

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Person: I love you.

You: ‘I really like you too but just as a friend.’

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Person: I love you.

You: ‘You are so on your own my dear friend.’

_________

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Sometimes the statement could just come when you do not expect to hear it and you are thinking of how best to process it and give a worthy response. It may not all be that easy at times but here is what you could likely say if you truly adore that person. So for instance –

If the person is family [a sibling, a parent, a relative]…

Person: I love you

You: ‘When did you become so soft? Are you okay?’ (If the person is your elder sibling/relative) OR ‘You know I will do anything for you.’ (If the person is a cherished cousin/twin) OR ‘I love you too dear one, so what do you want this time?’ (If the person is your younger sibling/niece/nephew) OR ‘I love you too.’ (If the person is a parent).

If the person is a platonic friend…

Person: I love you

You: ‘You know I love you more and nothing can change that.’ (If it is a really close friend) OR  ‘I hate you forever!’ (If the person is a long time friend) OR ‘Awwwn babe, I love you too.’ OR ‘Much love dear.’ (If it is just a mutual friend you met three months ago).

If the person is someone you don’t even have an actual LIKING to or someone random…

Person: I love you

You: ‘What kind of nonsense is that?’ OR ‘When did this rubbish start?’ OR ‘I love myself too’ OR ‘Everybody does, get over it!’ OR ‘And God loves you too my dear.’ OR ‘Ehya…you will snap out of it soon, don’t worry.’ OR ‘Very funny, please shift biko.’ OR ‘Thank you.’

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Other possible reactions to the question – when you actually do LIKE the person so much but you are not sure if they mean what they say – may include –

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1: When you’re tired of hearing “That was a joke. I was only flirting. You really thought that was serious?

Person – “I love you”

You – “Hahahahaha what? Very funny! Please shift make I see road.”

2: When you’re tired of hearing “ I don’t know what I was thinking then. I was so sick. I am really sorry if this hurts you.”

Person – “I love you”

You – Feels their forehead. “Are you sure you aren’t sick? Say it next week when you feel okay.”

3: When you’re tired of hearing “I loved you then, I don’t love you now.”

Person – I love you

You – “and this mode lasts till…? Abegii” upturns an hourglass in your mind.

4: After almost two decades on the planet, several images of previous dates on social media and you hear it from the person you always knew. Please.

Person – “I love you, you’re my only and first love”

You – “I hear you! Linus Linda Mba” *smirk smirk* (Come on, liar)

5: When you really wish to see where it goes and stay polite.

Person – “I love you.”

You – “Don’t say, prove it!”

NB: No, proving doesn’t mean someone has to jump off a cliff for you, that is not being in love, that’s insane.

6: The epic ones you get to hear

Person – “I love you, I cannot live without you.” *Sad face*

You – Leaves. “ Please die before you kill me.”

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I love you is 95% a promise, and 5% a confession, most people never seem to understand that. It needs to be proven everyday, in small subtle ways, not just for days, months or years, but for a lifetime. Period.

What would be your ideal response to the words ‘I love you’? Are you the kind of person to lead someone on with your response or would you just smile and wave away the statement without an actual response? I’d love to read your comments and thank you for stopping by!

 

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Friday Nights; Sexcapades 6

Click here to read the fifth episode on sexcapades if you are just joining us…Friday Nights; Sexcapades 5

‘Sexcapades’ is the second part of Friday Nights and a continuation of the first part; Reckless Journey; so just in case you might be wondering where the extra characters are coming from, please start reading from…Friday Nights; A Reckless Journey 1

Enjoy!

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MIMI

Mortified by the sudden intrusion into our privacy, I scrambled and hurriedly put on my clothes as I watched Dafe walk towards the door.

“What is it?” He asked calmly as he opened the door lightly, standing between the open space.

“Someone is here for you from Dr. Imafidon. She says it is urgent.”

“I will be down shortly. Please attend to her and tell her to give me another 10 minutes.”

“Yes, Sir.”

I got to my feet as I tried to straighten my hair and my appearance. He closed the door and walked up to me, kissing me by the nose as he tried to grab me by the buttocks.  Shocked at what could have happened a moment ago, I smacked away his hands. “Stop it jhoor. Leave me.”

“Shut up jare, Mimi.” He said grimly adjusting the neck of my polo and putting his hands into my blouse to adjust the hem of my bra. Then he took my belt and fixed it round the loops of my denim shorts, strapping it tight round my waist. He forced my chin upwards, causing me to look at him. “Hey sexy.” He said softly, “are you okay?”

I jerked my chin away from his touch. “I don’t know. Do I look okay?” My throat burned, I was still aroused and mad and very very embarrassed. I didn’t think I would ever in my life, lose my mind like that to a complete stranger and I hated that I had done so with him; a man whose approach to sexual intimacy was so cynical, it depressed me just thinking about it.

“I know you know that I want you so badly it hurts but I have just been told I have an urgent request waiting for me downstairs. Can you stay a while so I can get done with the person downstairs? You can do whatever you want and have Stanley show you around or make you anything to eat. I will be in my private study, so don’t be bothered about walking around. Please?”

I knew I needed to get away from him; go home and take a long nap, while I think of what I was just about to do with him. Staying behind would just complicate the matter and I didn’t want to do that. “No Dafe, I’ll rather go home. Thank you for the offer.”

His fingers curled around mine, “just so you know, we are not done. I will come back to get you, no matter how many times you push me away.” He leaned to kiss me, “I will have the driver take you home,” as he walked away smiling.

I was terrified!

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ZIZI

There is something I have noticed about life. Just when you think that you have everything all figured and planned out, the unexpected begins to happen!

It was 6pm and I was jittery with excitement as I finished with my make-up and proceeded to wear my new hot burgundy jumpsuit from Deji. Deji had texted an hour earlier to remind me of our date. I had rolled my eyes and stood up to take a quick shower after I read it, wondering why he had to remind me of something that sat on my mind all day. I gave myself one final look after I had worn my very sexy jumpsuit and heels. I decided to pair it up with a gold clutch purse since it matched with my pair of earrings. I looked at my wristwatch, it was 6.26pm. I shivered.

Was I ready for this?

Just then, my phone rang – it was Deji. I picked up on the third ring…

“Hey you, I’m outside.” He started, “Do you want me to come in?”

“No” I hurriedly replied, “I will meet you outside. Give me two minutes.”

“Okay then.”

He ended the call while I frantically thought of what I had forgotten to do. HA! I pulled open the dresser and sprayed a little bit of the perfume I had. I stepped out of the room and told my mum I was going out for a while, hoping that she wasn’t going to ask so many questions. She looked at me as she smiled, “Take care of yourself oo and make sure you come back in time.”

“Bye mum.” I replied smiling at her as I hurried out of the house.

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I walked towards the car with Deji standing right in front, quietly waiting. He looked good. Very good and I was impressed. He came towards me, his strides graceful and strong. He caught up my hands and lifted it to his mouth after which we shared hugs as he smiled broadly at me while he walked me towards the car, opened the passenger’s door for me and I hopped into his Range Rover Sports.

His gaze was intense. Intensely hot, intensely focused.

“Sorry, I’m late.” I started.

“Oh no, really it’s okay. At least you are here and you didn’t take more than three minutes.” He looked at me searching as amusement warmed his eyes, “you look beautiful. The dress suits you just perfectly.”

I smiled brightly delighted at his compliment. “Thank you Deji. It was really thoughtful of you to do.”

A slight frown knitted a space between his brows. “It was the least I could do.” He started the ignition of the car as he looked back at me, “Shall we?”

I nodded my head in affirmation as he drove away. I wondered where he was taking us to and I didn’t want to ask. We made light conversations on the way ranging from my hobbies to his hobbies, my passions and what I enjoy doing, his travel experiences. It was not surprising that Deji had traveled to so many countries; France, Monaco, Chicago, Russia, Malta (I didn’t know anyone traveled there).

“I’m glad I met you.” He suddenly said to me in the middle of our conversation. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I just smiled wondering if now was the time to bring up Omotayo or wait till when we get to where we were headed.

“Now that I think of it…” he glanced at me, “I don’t know your age. How old are you?”

“Is there a reason why my age is of importance?” I asked wondering why he suddenly wanted to know.

“I just want to know. I am 33 if that is any consolation.”

“Oh, wow…you don’t look 33. I would have guessed you were 29.”

“So you think I look young?” He shrugged,  “well, that is something coming from you.”

I chuckled, as I noticed him look at me again and back to the road. “So are you going to tell me your age?” He asked again

“25.”

He looked at me befuddled, “are you serious?”

“Is there a reason why I should lie to you?” I asked.

“Wow! I sincerely thought you were 28 or something. You are pretty young and mature for your age.”

“Oh, I see.” I fiddled with my hands as I looked out the window, enjoying the view of the balustrade on the Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge.

“Hey Zii…” he murmured, the vibration of his voice making me ache all over. “I really want us to work and be together.” He took my hand and ran his fingertips over the palm I opened to take in his hand, the simple touch sparking a fierce desire. The way he studied me, while we waited in traffic, made my chest hurt. He looked grateful, his eyes warm and tender.

I was mute, hoping that we get to our destination on time, irrespective of the traffic.

Four minutes later, we arrived at Lagoon restaurant in Victoria Island, where Deji slowed down and finally stopped his car by the parking spot. We walked in and went into ‘Churrasco‘. It was a very lovely and beautiful place. I wondered why I had never heard of it.

As we got to the reception, the lady smiled and asked if we had made any reservations to which Deji affirmed. She looked through her list on her system and after confirming the table for two, showed us where had been reserved for us. The ambience was beautiful and the environment was serene and peaceful. It was really a good place to laugh, eat and talk with soft music playing in the background.

Deji took my hand as we walked to our seat which was just facing the outer view. He pulled out my seat as I sat down while he went over to sit down. Two waiters came to us; one holding an ice bucket of some expensive wine and the other holding a menu. The one with the ice bucket handed it to the other waiter as he opened the bottle of wine and filled our wine glasses before setting down the ice bucket. Deji motioned for the other waiter to hand me the menu and come back later.

The two waiters left, leaving me alone with Deji. It seemed like he had reserved the entire space as there was no one else coming in to the restaurant. I took a gulp of my wine as I remembered that we ought to speak about Omotayo before anything. I didn’t want to spoil the moment but she kept coming up in my head.  I coughed.

“Are you all right?” He asked softly.

I looked at him meekly, “no Deji.”

“Talk to me about it. I am here to listen.” He stretched his hands to hold mine as he stared.

“Well, it’s Omotayo and the thought of her constantly plagues my mind. What is it with both of you?”

He sighed as he placed his palms together and held it under his jaw. He looked at me with concern as he started, “Omotayo is my ex. She was my very first girlfriend and subsequently when I relocated to New Jersey after my secondary education here in Nigeria, we thought it best to break off our relationship. Of course, I had other girlfriends back in New Jersey and subsequently at Berlin, where I started working after college. Omotayo kept in touch and we maintained our friendship. She knew I was dating other people and she was as well, so I didn’t think she had a problem with me dating other people.”

He stopped to look at me searching my face for any expression before he continued, “When I decided to move back to Nigeria three (3) years ago to start my own business, I told Omotayo about it. She was one of the closest friend I had that lived in Nigeria, so it made sense to tell her I was coming home and that she was going to take me to all the new spots that had opened after I left the country. For the first one year of my return back to Nigeria, Omotayo was my right hand man – showing me around and making sure that I wasn’t cheated by anybody. She was more like my personal assistant and for that, I will be forever grateful to her. Seven months after my return to Nigeria, she broke up with her boyfriend Daniel. When I asked her why, because Daniel seemed like a really good guy to me, she said he wasn’t the man of her dreams. I thought she was being crazy or overly ambitious, so I told her to be sure of what she wanted so that she doesn’t lose a good man over nothing. That day, I remember her clearly smiling at me, saying what she wanted wasn’t far from her any longer and that it will take a matter of months before she gets it. At that time, I didn’t understand she was talking about me.”

He stopped to take a sip of his wine. I looked at him, waiting. “Two months after that, I met Theodora – one thing led to the other and we started dating. Omotayo was mad at me. She was always warning off Theodora from me, distracting her and causing trouble. At first, I thought she was doing it to protect me because she knew Nigerian girls better until Elvis told me, it was me she wanted and that she didn’t want any other lady to take what she had suffered to build for years. I was distraught because it took me five months to realize that and that was after Theodora broke up with me, saying that I was a cheat and she couldn’t continue the toxic relationship. I tried to talk to my mum about it but my mum won’t hear of it. Unfortunately, our families are closely tied and my mum really likes Omotayo – so she kept advocating on how Omotayo was and is the best woman that could eventually be my wife. One year and two months after my stay in Nigeria, I took the courage – even after I had told Omotayo that I was no longer interested in her in the way she wanted me to be – and started dating Fisayo. Fisayo was a real catch and she was really great! We were happy together for two months and then she found out about Omotayo. Omotayo knew that Fisayo was a jealous lover, so she capitalized on it and sent her some friendly pictures we took when I first came into Nigeria through a private phone, labeling me as a cheat and calling her my side chick. Some of the pictures contained almost naked pictures of Omotayo with me at the beach and on a yacht with some of our other friends during our first re-union. How she cropped the photos to look compromising is beyond me. Fisayo got very livid and without waiting to ask me, she stormed my home one evening and destroyed my things. I am not a man of too many words and I don’t like toxic people, so I broke it off with Fisayo. I was so upset at what she did and why she would do it. She kept calling me a cheat and a fuckboy but I didn’t understand anything she was saying or what she was talking about; all I could see was how toxic she was. I didn’t even know it was Omotayo’s pictures with me she had seen that got her raving mad. I just ended it. Some weeks later, when I was calmer and ready to listen to Fisayo, she told me how upset she was when she received the pictures and why she did what she did without thinking. She said she finally got to know from Jay that the girl in the picture was Omotayo and my supposedly childhood friend whom had turned to a really close friend. She apologized but there was no way I was going to take Fisayo back, even though I forgave her. When I confronted Omotayo, she openly told me that no one was allowed to date me except herself and that we were destined to be together. I told her off, and ignored her until I met you. I didn’t believe she would continue that way because it constrained our friendship for a period of four months and she promised to stay off my relationships. We weren’t even on talking terms after that and I was clearly shocked that night when she came in to Radisson Blu. Honestly, I didn’t think it would happen.” He sighed.

I looked at him as I wondered what I had put my self into. This Omotayo babe was clearly not going to let Deji be with anyone else ad I wasn’t sure I had the strength to fight with another woman for a man.

He looked distraught, “I don’t know how she does it but she keeps stalking my every relationships and it is terribly upsetting.” He reached out to hold my hands as I pulled them away, not sure I wanted him to hold me. “Ziola, you are really someone I want to start something with and I have barred myself to you because I don’t want to hide anything from you. Please, don’t let Omotayo be a determining factor in something that promises to be beautiful.”

“Deji, this is not just a walk over. This is something I have to take my time to think about. Omotayo is clearly obsessed with you and my dating you will be an intrusion in something she has already imagined to be beautiful. I don’t have the strength to fight over a man.”

“Zii, I’m not asking you to fight over me. I am telling you the obstacles that are surrounding me and I want to have you beside me, standing strong. I will fight for you, no matter what it takes me.”

“I don’t know Deji. Girls like Omotayo are not people to play with. I can’t afford to have someone bath me with acid.”

He looked horrified. “That will not happen to you! Omotayo will never do that!”

“That is what you say but you never know the extent a woman can go to if she really loves a man and someone else is standing in her way.” I sipped my entire wine out of my glass distressed as to how I started to fall in love with a man with such a history. I hated women drama.

Deji looked at me, “are you hungry?”

“Very. After all this story you just narrated to me, food seems to be the only thing that can make me forget my sorrow Deji.”

He huffed as he signaled at the waiter to bring the food we had earlier ordered. My head kept spinning at the entire story I heard.

Was it not better to leave this man when I still had everything in my body and soul intact?

What kind of love will make me date a man who had a complicated history that could later affect me?

I was so lost in thought, I didn’t realize the food had arrived till I felt Deji caress my left palm gently. I looked towards his direction and saw the variety of dishes before me. Suddenly, all the thoughts about Omotayo vanished as I realized I was hungry. I had left my stomach empty in anticipation of this date. The three course meal was lovely and it felt like a private feast. As I chewed on the lamb dipped in curry sauce, Deji reached over and ran a fingertip over the corner of my mouth and then licked off the dab of sauce he had collected. I smiled consciously as I licked my lips.

“Do you by any chance even, like me?” I heard him ask quietly

I was weakened by his question. I didn’t want to answer it as I didn’t even have an answer to it. I looked at him with raised eyebrows as I wrinkled my nose, “I don’t know Deji.”

“Even if it is just 5%?”

“Deji please.”

“I want to know Zizi. Do you?”

I sighed as I nodded coyly. Of course I liked him, wasn’t it obvious? Why was there a need to ask?

“I don’t understand what you mean when you nod like that Ziola. I want to hear you say it. Do you like me 5% or do you like me a whole lot or do you not?”

I set down my fork and looked at him squarely, “Deji, even if I liked you…there is still Omotayo. I’m not ready for that.”

“You still haven’t answered my question babe.”

“Okay fine, I like you Deji…a whole lot.”

He smiled sheepishly for the first time and I thought he looked very cute. I smiled back. “So what do I do to make you mine?”

I swallowed. I took another forkful of my meal and looked at him. “I don’t know Deji. I clearly do not want to be involved in a mess. Fix your mess while you have the time and come back. Just know that I won’t wait for you.”

He groaned softly as he looked at me. The waiters cleared the table and Deji paid the bills. We sat a while and talked about other things before he decided to take me home as the time was fast approaching 9.00pm. When we got to the car, Deji leaned closer to me and nuzzled his nose against mine. I was shocked. He was so fast, I didn’t see it coming.

I set my hands across his chest as I tried to gently push him away. He carried me up with such strength and placed me by the car bonnet as he kissed me for the very first time. His lips was warm and tender and sincerely, I had been craving his kiss from the first day we met. I wobbled on my stilettos as Deji set me down, I was weakened from the full body contact and the instant shock.

“I like you Zizi. I really do and I will do anything to keep you. I won’t let Omotayo be the obstacle to this.” He leaned to me again and kissed my forehead as I swallowed some more spit – tears unexpectedly filled my eyes.

“Hey Zii, look at me…” he held my face and continued, “I never want to hurt you and I want this to happen sincerely and if you want it too.” He looked at me with all concern.

I nodded my head at him as I smiled.

He opened the passenger door and waited for me to get in before closing it. I sat down wondering if that kiss had meant yes. I wasn’t sure. He placed his hands over mine when he got in and said, “I had a lovely time with you tonight. I hope that we can do this more often.”

“Me too.” I smiled as he started the car and took me home.

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Watch this space for more Episodes of Friday Nights.

Till I come your way again next time, this is ShiozeThinksOut.

Cheers!

Flirty: Will You Shoot Your Shot?

Hey guys, will you shoot your shot even when the odds are really against you?

Yeah you read that right and I agree that this is now a budding sector this year…the act of shooting your shot whether career wise, in creating a fantasy relationship or even pitching forward a somewhat crazy idea.

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If you don’t still have an idea of what shooting your shot is, it typically means taking the bold initiative to getting what you want no matter the circumstance or the possible outcome. For instance, when a basketballer dunks the ball, he is not entirely sure whether or not the ball will succesfully dive into the net, right? But he takes a shot anyways and hope the outcome is a great dunk-goal. So also it is in life, you do not just sit, wait and see what happens – you take your shot at the possible opportunity.

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Now like I stated above, you can shoot your shot in different levels. The game you choose to play on, is entirely up to you. So for career development or growth, I will totally shoot my shot with all bravity. If the opportunity available is something I see as great, I wouldn’t even think twice. If I am rejected, I will try and try again till I am successful. I will use a different approach if I don’t get it the first time and I will totally go for it!

However, when it comes to relationships, I doubt I will ever shoot my shot. I know that rejection doesn’t mean I’m not a great person but I will rather the guy shoot his shot at me. Yeah, I agree…I am definitely old school, sorry to burst your bubbles. I mean, if I ever have a crush on a guy, I will definitely kill that feeling especially when I know that the guy has someone else or that the feeling will never go any head way. Thankfully, I am able to kill a crush feeling on the onset without losing my mind.

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Hey but if you think you can take a go at it, why not? Don’t be afraid to shoot your shot – you never know if the guy/girl is the shy type that cannot come forward or has not really noticed your existence because somehow, well they just aren’t that observant. [Well, that will be odd.]

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So here are a few tips to take a possible shoot at your potential shot – who may eventually be a spouse…

  1. You could send an SMS or a DM to that crush via IG, Twitter, Snapchat, Whatsapp etc. Follow them on social media, stalk them if can – I know people that do this tbh. Sometimes the first shot doesn’t go rfight but don’t take this personally – Thomas Edison didn’t succeed on his first try.

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2. Do a little research about that crush so you can get aware of what you are getting into. Is the person a person you can interface with properly on social media or just personally? If yes, choose the suitable option.

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3. Shoot your shot with a purpose and not basically for the fun of it. Think about what you want from it and go on from there.

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4. When shooting, choose the right greeting. Don’t start with a basic ‘Hi’ or ‘hey You’ because there are chances that you will receive a ‘Hi’ back…so how do you continue from there? The easiest way to do this is usually to continue from a recent conversation or responding to a particular post made by the person – the shot becomes easier from there, especially when you key into what they were trying to say.

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5. Keep your shot more on the person’s personality rather than on the physical. Research shows that when you compliment someone on their choice on something, it sticks deeper rather than a regular ‘oh, I love your smile’ or ‘oh, your butt is amazing’.

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So there guys, 5 tips on how you can shoot your shot. YOLO right? So here are my questions to you…

  • Would you shoot your shoot?
  • If yes, have you ever tried to do that? Did it create something good? Was it worth it?
  • If no, why not?

Oh and  for the relationship aspect, there is a new game called ‘Shootyourshot’ to test how smooth your game is at http://www.shootyourshotgame.com.

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I will love to read your comments on the box below. What are your thoughts? Yes, Rofiah did a post on this here and Temitoria here as well. You guys should totally check it out.

Thanks for stopping by.

 

 

 

 

ABROAD HUSBAND…

 

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It is almost that time of the year again when all our brothers return home from “the abroad”. Soon, they will come from all parts of the world- America, Europe, The Philippines, Malaysia, South Africa and even Sudan- to celebrate Christmas.

It doesn’t matter where they come from, they will come with a black American accent. Even the ones that came from Sudan will come with pounds and dollars. Because the default currency for “the abroad” people is dollars. Abroad person that is spraying Cedis, is that one abroad person?

They will come to the village, and they will be at every ceremony spraying dollars and pounds. They will wear their starched laces and their original gold chains. I don’t care the authentic quality of the chain, but as long as it is from ‘the abroad’, it is original. They will bag chieftancy titles that ends with “Ego“.

They are the real MVPs. The Mr Steal-your-chic-and-convert-them-to-wife. They are always single looking for a wife at home. Yes, they are not bastards, they come back home to marry.

You have a boyfriend who is just a civil servant. Fresh young man who is just starting life. You think you love him until your mother tells you about Emeka, the “abroad guy” that just landed in town. She reminds you about how you both used to be really close friends before he left to ‘the abroad’ when you were just 3 months old. Mama tells you he wants to marry you. You take a look at Emeka and you see the glory of the Lord shining around him. You admire his British-American accent and his fresh money. You think about your boyfriend- mtchew, who “young man with Dreams” epp? You suddenly start hearing the voice of the Lord telling you that Emeka the abroad guy is the right one for you. You suddenly realize that at 23 you are no longer getting any younger and you can’t wait for a graduate who is just starting life.

Emeka spoils you while he is in the village. You both keep in touch as he leaves for “the abroad“. You don’t see him again but you still talk on phone. You are now both engaged and you are happy, you are dating a guy in Indonesia with an American accent.

Two years pass, you’ve seen Emeka only once. Because body no be wood, you have a side boo in your town who lubricates the engine when the oga is not around. But you are still engaged. You are getting impatient. You were 23 two years ago but now you are 35, or you feel 35. You nag, whine, write three different please-hide-my-Identity messages to “Dear Amanda”. Sacrifice 2 goats as burnt offering to the Fadalurd above. After some months, your prayer is answered. He fixes a wedding date but cannot attend the wedding because of work. So you just do the wedding with his enlarged picture anyway. That picture he was wearing a suit, that one. That’s the one you kiss when it’s time to “kiss the bride”.

After three months, no Emeka. You realize you are now a western union wife. Another series of Dear Amanda messages, burnt offerings and pastor visits, God finally touches Emeka’s heart to come home. He comes home for a few months to get you pregnant and go back. When he goes back, the real Lord – not my “Fadalurd” – decides to remember you this time and release you from your misery. You somehow realize that Emeka has two beautiful children with his abroad wife of 10 years now. Your eyes will now clear.

You finally wake up, after 300 posts cursing Emeka and other men specifically, you decide to join the Association of Online Feminists of Nigeria. Dear sister, Kolewerk. You are not a feminist, you are just an aggrieved mega idiot who hates men, and that is not feminism. Receive sense in Jesus name!

Christmas is coming, if you like, follow abroad husband and go.